no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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