Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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