Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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