the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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