Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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