did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
FUCK WHALES
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