I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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