I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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