Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
