for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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