Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
