I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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