Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
