I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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