My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
