I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
