So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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