why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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