Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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