My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
