I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
