i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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