I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
