you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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