Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
