i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
