yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i would one night stand the shit outta him
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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