my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
