I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
