Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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