a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
