i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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