I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
