Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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