Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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