I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
