Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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