Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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