I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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