Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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