my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
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gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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