Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
