New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
