Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
