i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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