$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
