I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
