i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
