I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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