she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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