it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
