I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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