She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
