I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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