so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
